OOPS : Object oriented pile of sh*t

Why is it that everyone with a keyboard, notepad and <!DOCTYPE html> has to reinvent the wheel? But less round. With 4 corners. Duct tape to hold it together. And tons of safety warnings.

What happened to the art of programming? The artists who write code that reads like poetry? Where are they?

 They see me (t)rolling

My first program was written in VBA. It did exactly what I wanted it to do and it gave me that King Of The Hill feeling:

Module MyFirstProgram
  Sub Main()
      MsgBox("this is so awesome")
  End Sub 
End Module

No one could stand in my way, for I was 1337. I started planning a scheme to dominate the world with my programming skills - I really was that good. It didn’t take long to realise that I was in fact nothing more than a small hideous teenager, crying of joy and sadness. My first nullpointerexception had arrived. Still so much to learn.


VBA was quickly abandoned in favor of PHP. A loosely typed language that was, well, loosely everything. It gave me so much power and responsibility - I had my first website up and running in no time. World domination, here I come.

class WorldDomination

    //Only I can initialize WorldDomination
    private __constrcut() {};

    public static function getInstance()
        return (self::instance) ?
            self::$instance :
            self::createInstance() ;

    private static $instance;

    private static createInstance()
        self::instance = new WorldDomination()
        return self::$instance;

best code ever

Everything I wrote was an extreme form of extreme design by contract. So extreme that it did a lot, except that what I wanted it to do. A perfect example of throw-away code that no one dared to catch.

 Bad code, bad code everywhere

In spite of the fact that my code was WorldDominationGood, I never ever thought:

Hey, let’s write a blog about it and tell everyone this is the new way of doing sh*t.

And that is why the internet is a bad thing. I see blogs emerging everywhere - polluting Google. And somehow, they are encouraged.

Bad programmers teach bad programmers who believe that bad programmers are doing the correct thing.

It is for that reason that I introduce a new rule to programming.


Everytime you see a programmer claiming that his wheel is better. Slap him in the face. He needs it.

May the slapping be with you


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